Monster Manifesto for May

Election fever is clearly still covering the country like a cloud of volcanic Icelandic ash, providing a light relief from people moaning about being stuck on holiday, which can be gruelling and tough when you’d far rather be at work.

Only a couple of days ago we advised you of where not to place your X on the ballot paper. Now FMFT can safely throw our weight behind a party with a commitment to making cycling, if not better, than certainly more fun.

The Monster Raving Loony Party manifesto calls for floating bikes to combat congestion and to stimulate employment in the high-demand area of cross country plumbing, or “canal-building”. Finally there are sensible, real-life policies that cyclists can get behind. Let’s face it, cycling on water means fewer cuts and bruises when you fall off, fewer traffic lights and swapping cars and lorries for pleasure boats and barges. If I’m correct in believing that there’s also no drink driving limit on Britain’s inland waterways then it could make the whole experience more exciting. Should you get tired you also have the option of just floating along, and the Thames Barrier can be adapted to catch cyclists on their way to the open sea on an outgoing tide.

Canals are, by their very nature, flat so there’ll be an end to uphill struggles. This should suit the fixed-and single-speed supporters in London, who can run more and more ridiculous gears. More canals also mean more towpaths and that should thoroughly play into the hybrid market of cyclists wanting something a bit more off-road than a road but not as off-road as to demand any real skill.

It’s not all good, mind you. No uphills means no downhills either and an end to screaming, brake melting runs, so I’m only able to get 100% behind it if it’s as an optional cycle route, and then that would mean another bike to fit into the flat in order to ride on the water.

Still it’s probably as good a reason to vote as any so FMFT advises that if you live in Stoke Newington or Hackney North you should put your kiss next to Knigel Knapp.

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